More One Liners…

The best way to lie is to tell the truth . . . carefully edited truth.

The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night

If you steal from one author, it’s plagiarism; if you steal from many, it’s research.

Patience is something you admire in the driver behind you, but not in one ahead.

Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk.

Then you spend the next 16 telling them to sit down and shut-up.

If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?

Those people who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.

By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.

To err is human, to blame it on somebody else shows management potential.

I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, “Well, that’s not going to happen.”

Before I got married I had six theories about bringing up children; now I have six children and no theories.

Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your children.

All you need to grow fine, vigorous grass is a crack in your sidewalk.

The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.

Misers aren’t fun to live with, but they make wonderful ancestors.

When opportunity knocks, some people are in the backyard looking for four-leaf clovers.

There is nothing so annoying as to have two people go right on talking when you’re interrupting.

The main difference between men and boys is that men’s toys cost more money.