Mickey and Minnie have been having problems for some time now. After
hearing of Barbie and Ken’s breakup, they too decide to call it quits.
Donald goes to Mickey to console him and says, “She’s been a problem
since day one. I’m glad you finally saw that she’s crazy.”
Mickey looks at Donald and replies, “No, I broke up with her because she’s f**king
Goofy.”
!#!
I’m not athletic. I gave up sports early. My last bungee jump was birth.
!#!
A new teacher tries to make use of her psychology courses. The first day
of class, she starts by saying, “Everyone who thinks they’re stupid,
stand up!”
After a few seconds, Little Johnny stands up. The teacher asks, “Do you think you’re stupid, Johnny?”
“No, ma’am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself.”
!#!
Q: How do you know you can’t trust doctors and lawyers?
A: Because they both “practice” their professions.
!#!
Went to the beach today. I could feel the women just dressing me with their eyes.
!#!
Q: Why did the perv go into Victoria’s Secret?
A: The panties were half off.
!#!
A man is lying in bed in a hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young nurse appears to sponge his face and hands.
“Nurse,” he mumbles from behind the mask, “Are my testicles black?”
Embarrassed the young nurse replies, “I don’t know, I”m only here to wash your face and hands.”
He struggles again to ask, “Nurse, Are my testicles black?”
Again the nurse replies, “I can”t tell. I”m only here to wash your face and hands.”
The ward nurse passes by and sees the man getting a little distraught so she marches over to inquire what is wrong.
“Nurse,” he mumbles, “Are my testicles black?”
Being a nurse she is undaunted. She whips back the bedclothes, pulls down his pajama trousers, moves his penis out of the way, has a good look, pulls up the pajamas, replaces the bedclothes and announces, “Nothing is wrong with them.”
At this the man pulls off his oxygen mask and asks again,
“Are my test results back?”
!#!
I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every
other one.
I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the
locks, they are always locking three.
!#!
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
!#!
How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell “BINGO!”
!#!
I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist.
Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers,
and a bartender.
!#!
I grew up with six siblings. That’s how I learned to dance
… waiting for the bathroom.