1: What’s the difference between in-laws and outlaws?
Outlaws are wanted.
2: Coach: Okay class, today we are going to play a game.
When I say a fruit, you run to the right side of the court. And when I say a color, you run to the left side of the court.
Got it?
Class: Got it.
Coach: Okay… Ready, set… ORANGE!
3: Boy whispers to his Mom during a wedding
Boy: “Mommy?”
Mom: “What?”
Boy: “Why is the girl dressed in white?”
Mom: “Because this is the happiest day of her life.”
Boy: “… so why is the boy dressed in black?”
4: I hate Russian dolls… so full of themselves
5: I know a lot of jokes about unemployed people but none of them work.
6: I just saw two elementary school kids having a fist fight.
So as an adult I had to step in.
They didn’t stand a chance…
7: I was in in the public restroom
I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice in the other stall:
“Hi, how are you?”
Me: “Doing fine!”
Stall: “So what are you up to?”
Me: “Ummm, I’m like you, just sitting here.”
Stall: “Can I come over?”
Me: “No, Ugh… I’m a little busy right now!!”
Stall: “Listen, I’ll have to call you back. There’s an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!
8: Husband (watching a video):
Don’t do it! I swear you gonna regret it for the rest of your life. You stupid idiot! Don’t say yes. No! No! NOOO!! Aww damn, he actually did it! What a dumb-ass!
Wife: Honey, why you so mad? What are you watching?
Husband: Our wedding ceremony.